Donald Trump Declares Himself 45th President of the United States

WASHINGTON—Late on the evening of Saturday, November 28, 2015, a 70-year-old Donald Trump in an unprecedented move and with unanimous Republican support declared himself the next president of the United States effectively immediately and signed a Congressional bill suspending the Constitution and Bill of Rights effective immediately.

In a live address from the front lawn of the White House at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, an unusually mild-toned Trump addressed a massive crowd of supporters and spectators. Front row seats were priced at a billion dollars each. Other seats were a million dollars each.  

In a particularly captivating moment, Trump said, “The nation has recently abandoned its common sense. Today we have only lost ten people due to gun violence and only fifty because of ever-increasing treatment available to the wild masses. People are spending money and eating and paying their bills. We must take our nation back. Nature must sort things out. We must reinstate policies advocated by Henry Ford and the like. We need to emphasize the 100% pure white American.”

Crowds became so loud in their cheers, random gun fire and fireworks, and mockery of the foreign minister in a wheel chair that Trump had to cut his words short.

One thousand deaths have been reported so far. Crowds, nonetheless, are still cheering and firing rounds hours later.

In a leaked interview with reporters at Fox, Trump revealed his plan to require all English-speaking individuals to have a loaded gun with spare bullets beginning as soon as they can sit up as babies. He also said free public education would be limited to the fifth grade. Republicans, who have impeached all Democrats in a matter of minutes, have pledged full support for what they call a revolutionary plan to fulfill the true, one, and original purpose of the Constitution.  

Concerned presidents in Mexico, Brazil, Cuba, Japan, and India have all made statements welcoming thousands of refugees from the United States as those now in fear of their life seek to avoid what has become a state of complete anarchy and death.

Millions around the world anxiously await to see what will happen next in the United States as they move to abandon all relations with the giant.